I haven’t been “in the mood” for a while. I mean, it comes in spurts (no pun intended), but I haven’t felt like one hot woman since my trip to Austin in late October. I felt like a sex goddess that weekend (except for the bit where I face-planted in a club) and while a person I was interested in did not make a move on me (possibly due to aforementioned face-plant action), I was approached by a number of men, which boosted this single mom’s inner desirability meter. Mind you, I possessed self-confidence and that “I’m a sex goddess” frame of mind before I set out about town, so I wasn’t dependent on a man to create that feeling for me; the attention merely reaffirmed that desirably and brightened my glow. (This has nothing to do with feminism, people. This is simply about a heterosexual woman feeling attracted to and attracting men. Because sometimes it just feels spectacular to be wanted. Very simple.)
Flash forward to the end of January. Not feeling like a sex goddess. Feeling frumpy and it was my own doing. Ah… one holiday season when I let myself go. A moment of rebellion against my own good judgment, healthy eating habits, and regular exercise routines. It was my hibernation. My cocoon before I emerge this spring as a vibrant butterfly (or so I pretend). The bountiful chocolates, baklava, cookies, hearty meals, wine and cheese were delicious, but was the rebellion worth it?
No. No, it was not.
However, this was a lesson learned. I know- we all let ourselves go now and again. I was never past the point of no return, but my collection of slightly larger-sized clothes were becoming snug and I was beginning to feel sluggish and not the slightest bit hot at all. I couldn’t even jog a full three miles without stopping at least once or twice to catch my breath. Plus, the entire situation was affecting my sleep, my self-confidence, my work, my creativity. I had to fix it.
I shook off the burgeoning feelings of regret. No point in wallowing. I readjusted my eating and exercise habits. I’ve almost dropped down to my normal size, but more importantly I’m sleeping better and I feel like myself again. It’s astounding how a shitty diet and lack of exercise can completely wreak havoc on your entire being.
Another boost: I’m regaining my “oomph.” This is really something for me right now because I am totally, completely, emotionally and mentally free and clear for the first time in nearly eight years. There are no old “what-ifs” lurking in a closet or past relationships that need closure. No baggage and no part of me that needs to heal. I’m ready for all the possibilities the world has to offer. It’s all coming together right now. Of course, that’s exactly when doors open and I’m drawn to someone; someone who begins as a tickle in the corner of my mind and innocently pervades my thoughts. I find myself flirting again. Smiling. Maybe my mind starts wandering…
This tune plays relentlessly in my head:
I know that (by industry terms) it’s a slightly old song and maybe some of you fine folks don’t care for it, but for me… it just does something to me. Although, for me, it isn’t about crawling back to someone, but rather allowing myself to be available. It makes me want put myself out there and not be shy about telling a man I think he’s so cool and I’d love to get to know him better. I love the beat, the lyrics, the sound. It makes me move. It makes me walk different. Being in that frame of mind motivated me to purchase a sexy, backless dress and lingerie at Victoria’s Secret this weekend (thank you gift card…).
Except for one thing: I promised myself over a year ago that I would finish one particular screenplay before I would allow myself to dive into a relationship or fall in love or meet my “soulmate” or whatever. Why? I honestly can’t recall. Probably something about making myself finish a project before I use a new relationship as an excuse not to finish it, thereby chickening out on my dreams. Whatever the reason, it stuck. My brain and my entire being- hell, even the universe itself- has accepted this as THE TRUTH, and since I am most serious and determined to move forward in my personal life, it’s time for me to finish the sucker. Plus, I want to finish it. I want it, period. Another thirty pages or so and I’ll be to “fade out.” I’m pushing through.
Let’s see what happens then…