Comparison Shopping

Similes and metaphors…   I don’t know if I’ve ever developed the knack for conjuring up witty and vivid comparisons.  It’s yet another skill I need to work on.  (I think you’ll agree once you read some of my “comparisons.”) But that’s okay.  I’m cultivating plants of prose.  Some will need a good deal of pruning. 

Last night’s objective:  create similes and metaphors for one object in the room.  Okie dokie.  I glanced up and chose the first object in my sight– an armoire.  And…  here are a few of the many comparisons I came up with.  (Now, be gentle.  In my defense, it was past my bedtime…)

  • The armoire, one drawer seductively ajar, was an open window begging for a peeping Tom.
  • The armoire balanced the family’s treasures on its crown, like Atlas holding the heavens on his back.
  • The armoire, tightly closed off, was a chaste, girdled woman.
  • The armoire’s wooden doors creaked open, like ancient floorboards on a farmhouse porch. 
  • The armoire, pressed full of dusty trinkets and cracked photographs, was a mausoleum for all things once beloved, but now forgotten.

I was supposed to do the same with a person and a person’s characteristics, but no one was around last night, so I’ll do it today while at work.  I’ll have quite the selection of people from which to choose.  Mwwhhahaha! *Rubbing hands together*  Will be fun!!

Speaking of comparisons, I saved this list from an email that was forwarded to me ages ago.  I’m sure it was passed around the world twice, but I will post it here just in case someone out there hasn’t seen it yet (ie: mom?).  It’s good for a snicker or two, so take the time to read it.  Supposedly it’s a list of comparisons created by high school students.  I’m not entirely convinced of that, but who cares.  It’s funny.  I leave you with this:

  1.  Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
  16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
  18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
  19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

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