Lately I’ve thought a lot about this past year and the momentous changes I’ve been through. In and out (then back in and out) of a relationship, moving, an unexpected pregnancy, and the birth of the sweetest damn baby in the world. That little creature transformed my body (I’m still trying to return to my previous state) and depleted my bank account, but the most noticable change is in my emotional and mental states.
The first month or so with her was a huge adjustment- as I expected. I struggled off and on with the baby blues, and I had a difficult time accepting the fact that I had to take it easy due to my unplanned c-section. During my pregnancy I had it in my mind that I was going to give birth and be back into my exercise routine within a couple of weeks. No such luck. I had to let go of certain expectations I had for myself.
This past month I’ve noticed the “letting go” thing flow into other areas of my life. My world is no longer orderly and the days (and nights) don’t always flow smoothly now that Maya’s in charge. Once I realized that I couldn’t control everything and I allowed situations to stretch and breathe on their own, I felt lighter. Everything began to work out. Maya settled into schedule on her own and my life is beginning to flow again.
My process of letting go with Maya and home stuff affected my work life, too. A number of co-workers have mentioned that I seem much more mellow and my level of patience has increased dramatically. In turn, work days are less stressful.
This past month has been an eye-opening experience. I wasn’t sure I was capable of doing all of this by myself, but I’ve discovered that although I won’t have much of a social life any time soon, being a new mom (again) is incredibly rewarding. I also discovered that I’m far stronger than I thought.
I need to be the best role model I possibly can for my girl. Even though I’m a great mom, if I don’t get my shit together I won’t be able to show her by example that she can be and do anything she pleases. There’s a difference between moments of compromise in life and settling for a life you don’t love. I want the best for her and myself.
Now I need to let go of that fear of failure and go for it or I will always wonder what could have been.
Maya’s given me the strength to move forward. She inspires me. When I see her smile and giggle at me, I know I can’t let her down by being less than everything I can be.
Thanks, my gorgeous girl.