5:30 am and Maya is bright and ready to go once again. I try to convince her that she wants to go back to sleep, but she makes fart noises on my belly, gives me slobbery kisses on my cheek, and then tries to plunge off the bed and escape, giggling the whole time. A time once existed where I could rock her back to sleep for a little while. She now finds life too exciting to sleep through.
There is no more sleep; there is only awake. There will not be a moment of stillness or quiet until she takes her nap. Even now, she sits on my lap and “types” along with me. Soon she’ll depart and move on to her next activity, such as hunting down any stray toenail clipping Josh has left behind and attempting to eat it. Yes. It is disgusting, I know. She sticks everything in her mouth and the only thing I can do is attempt to keep my floor spotless, which (as any mom knows) is a challenge. Nearly impossible, actually. I have no idea what fallen bits of whatever she might have consumed so far. I don’t want to think about it. Gag.
But this is my life, my day right now. It will change. Everything changes, evolves, morphs from one form to another, or disappears. Maya’s rapid crawls are already beginning to change into drunken stumbles, and soon she will be running everywhere. I think I’m tired now…
Change happens whether we want it to or not. Maya is slowly morphing from an infant into a toddler. Josh is creeping into late teenhood and soon to be a young man. Me- I still feel stuck. I make “progress” and then life seems to throw a wrench into the process and I stall out for a while. Pick myself up, brush off the residue, and push-off from where I left. Repeat. Repeat.
I suppose we all have that sort of thing somewhere in our lives. Whether falling off the wagon with our diet or exercise program or writing sessions (hello), or whether something more serious such as battling alcoholism, drug addiction, or struggling to dig out of debt once again. I suppose stumbling back and pushing forward again is change in itself; we learn what works for us and what doesn’t, and we can choose to move down a different path. I think for many of us, that “different path” is almost as scary as pushing down the same path and failing again. It’s the unknown.
Then there comes a time when the same old thing is no longer an option. You know it doesn’t work, and you know you can’t return to that place ever again. Even though you know it might take a while to get to your destination, you refuse to give up. You have to keep trying. That’s when real change occurs. You fall, you get right back up. Fall again, jump up. Fall once more, and you spring right back into action as if you never stumbled. That’s when you stop crawling and start running.
The funny thing is, most of the time you don’t even notice that change has occurred until one morning you wake up and look in the mirror, and- bam! There you are, but it’s not the you you used to know; it’s the you you always wanted to be.
Speaking of the new “mommy” me… off to chase down Miss Maya.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and push through any changes or obstacles you might be dealing with in your life. Find joy in the process.
*Josh, from a crawl to a walk to a run, beaming with joy.