Looking for a quick way to shed excess weight? Well, look no further! I have the ultimate solution for you: The Maya Plan. That’s right, folks. All you have to do is take my toddler camping for a few days and VOILA! Fat cells scamper from your hips and thighs. Jiggly arms firm up overnight. Your abdomen collapses in on itself, leaving you with a taut and shapely belly.
No way! How is this possible, you ask?
Weeheheeeelll, all you have to do is venture into the great outdoors with my girl, who happens to be built like a brick shithouse and is freakishly speedy for being only 3 ft tall, and plant her feet on any surface. She will take it from there. Talk about getting in a cardio sprint workout. Her powerful, muscular thighs launch her little body across the campsite, past the car and into the great yonder at neckbreaking speeds- and you have to catch her. Multitudinous sculpting sessions are yours for free, too, because you will have to pick up the 32lb stinker and haul her flailing, laughing body back to camp. Biceps, triceps, shoulders, abs, back- it’s a total-body workout.
I know, I know. You’re thinking, Well, I’d just toss her into the pack-n-play and that would contain her. Sure, for about 8 seconds until she springs her happy butt right over the side and takes off sprinting down the path, fellow campers chasing after her, too, in an effort to give mommy’s weary soul a break. If I would have had a kid leash, I would have strapped her in, staked it into the ground and let her roam in 12 ft circles like a puppy. She would have been happy enough with some snacks and her milk and rocks and dirt to play with.
Here’s the bonus when you try the Maya Plan: every time a morsel of food tickles your lips, an alarm goes off in her head that makes her freak out. It’s awesome. Don’t ask why it happens on vacation yet not at home because I haven’t a clue. It works best when you’re sitting down to eat at your favorite Thai restaurant. The moment you try to peek at the menu, BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Her alarm goes off and you have no choice but to leave the premises or make all other diners miserable. It’s lovely! You get to leave, spicy coconut curry so close to kissing your mouth, and save on calories and money! It’s a win/win situation. Or something.
My advice to anyone planning on camping with a toddler like mine: buy a kid leash that has a lot of give. Use it. Find the “off” switch for her internal mommy-wants-to-eat alarm and shut it down. And remember that the “vacation” does end and you’ll be so happy to return to the dull grind of work at the office.