Alone Forever: A Lone, Lonely, Loner

“You’ll be alone forever.”  

I received that declaration in an email yesterday.  My first reaction:  And I’m better off alone, by myself. A fortress of solitude, in the ice, forever. A lone, lonely, loner.

After I considered the source of the statement– a thrice married, unscrupulous philanderer, my second reaction was to shrug my shoulders.  Whatever you say, sporto.   

And then I went on about my day.  Completed Medicare Meaningful Use Attestations for the clinic.  Finished monthly reports.  Went jogging with Maya.  Compared hotel room rates for my brother’s upcoming wedding in Vegas.

Wedding.  Marriage.  Sacrosanct shackling.

Would I be alone forever?  Maybe, but it’s unlikely.  Common sense tells me no.

Let’s play around with some numbers (take it easy, mathletes- this is for fun).  Statistically speaking*, there are over 152 million men just in the United States alone.  Now, we know that neither a toddler nor a geriatric Alzheimer’s patient would make a suitable partner, so let’s break the numbers down by appropriate age groups:

  • Age 35 – 40:  10 million
  • Age 40 – 44:  10 million

I’ve been told many times that I look at least 10 years younger (by normal people, not just the men who were trying to sleep with me), so let’s pretend for a moment that I can indeed attract a younger man.  We’ll also include those fine, older men in the mix.

  • Age 30 – 34:  10 million
  • Age 45 – 49:  11 million

41 million age-appropriate men in the United States.  Now, let’s eliminate a whopping 99% of those men to account for the married, gay, incarcerated, downright freaky, etc.  This leaves 410,000 eligible men, just in the United States alone.  Should I include the rest of the world (I’m game), that number would easily quadruple.

410,000+ men.  Granted, only a small percentage of those men will declare me their “type” and vice-versa.  Even so, the odds of me being alone forever are slim.

“You’ll be alone forever.”

What if, despite the statistical evidence that supports the contrary, I do end up alone forever, a lone, lonely, loner?

Here’s what I think the sender believes:  Alone equals loneliness.  I don’t agree.  I felt more lonely while in the company of an emotionally absent man than while flying solo.  I am comfortable and at home in my own skin, so being by myself is no big deal.  I don’t depend upon another person to make me happy; I am happy right now.

I won’t deny that I have fleeting moments or an occasional night of loneliness when I become restless and crave a warm body next to mine.  I think that’s only natural.  It’s the exception rather than the rule, though.  Yes, I would like to share inside jokes with someone.  I would like to make my coconut curry chicken or boeuf bourguignon and kick back a bottle of wine with a man who makes me laugh.  I would love to get naked on a daily basis.  (I’m in my prime, you see.  Is daily unrealistic?  How about a few times a week?)

I would like a partner, but my happiness is not dependent upon his existence in my life.  I’m not in any hurry.  I would like to share my life, but if it so happens that I am alone forever, so be it.  I have friends.  I have crazy nights.  I have travel and numerous hobbies.  I have quiet times and meditation.  I have wine.  I’ll survive.


Meanwhile, even though I haven’t yet indulged, should I really want a *night out*, Vegas is right here, baby.

(Not my thing, but I laughed.)

*google statistics via the census bureau July 2010


16 thoughts on “Alone Forever: A Lone, Lonely, Loner

  1. Le Clown

    Who the fuck sends someone a douchy message like “you will be alone for the rest of yourself”… My guess it’s a teenager deep into emo, perhaps president of the fan club for 30 Seconds to Mars.
    As you also astutely said, your happiness doesn’t depend on a partner. It took me 38 years to meet my wife – also the love of my life. And I wasn’t looking for her, she just came. I’m not worried for you. You sound pretty magnificent to me.
    Le Clown


    1. Thank you.

      I’ve heard people say they found their love when they weren’t looking. That sort of serendipity would be ideal for me since I often have my nose stuck in a book. Perhaps I should look up from time to time.


      1. Le Clown

        I’m throwing this out there, as I laughed when it was suggested to me, but have you tried dating sites? This is where I met my wife… And we’re both cynical fucks. Just sayin’.
        Le Clown


      2. I’m laughing right now because I had the same reaction when it was suggested to me.
        Actually, I did try it for a couple of months about two years ago and the responses were overwhelming to say the least. I pressed pause when I realized I had unresolved ex issues. Simply forgot to press play again once my head was back on straight.
        I have been kicking around the site idea lately…


  2. Betchuknowme

    Be careful for what you wish may come true. I have embarked on marriage number 3,
    but he/she does not sleep nights, reads, Pinterests, words with friends, and is generally
    an insomniac in the making. Now all this disturbs the sleep patterns of this mellow, organized, workaholic (for my age) and instead of being a mellow senior I get cranky from sleep deprivation. That in turns makes me less than a suitable partner. Now I ask you how do you know your future significant other will turn you into a Zombie?
    The answer is that you don’t. You rely upon the statistics or Romance, Cosmopolitan, or Reader’s Digest to dispell your childhood notions of happiness everafter, never considering the possibililties that you might someday wish for MORE SPACE in your life. I have been there, and back. I like wine, because you can put the cork back in the bottle. But with committment the human level, sometimes you just cannot put the Genie back in the Lamp. Get my drift?


  3. I was just thinking/feeling this same thing the other day. And you speak the truth about lonely not equating to loneliness… kudos to you for figuring that out, as most people don’t. I read your follow-up comment about how when you stop looking, that’s when you find someone… I laughed aloud because these are my mother’s famous words. My best guess is that this happens because when we are not looking, we are content with ourselves, and happiness is attractive to other people. Regardless of whether you are looking or not, someone will soon notice the gem that you are! Ha… I’m sounding like my mother again…


    1. Your mom gives solid advice.
      Is it the autumnal weather and the changing of seasons that causes deeper thinking with regards to relationships? I feel like the best version of myself in October/November/December (when it finally cools in the desert). I can breathe again, think clearly, be outside where I am happiest. I’m more open to the possibility of inviting someone into my life so that I don’t have to kick back this Harvest Pumpkin Ale all by myself. It’s so good. Mmmmm mmmmm….. Wait. I don’t have to share it! It’s all mine! 🙂


      1. Ha!
        I’ve read several times that people tend to crave the warmth and companionship of someone else in the fall and winter months, so it makes total sense. Except for, the reason is because depression is higher in the fall and winter months, so they also say it’s the worst time to begin a relationship. So, I guess you can enjoy as much pumpkin ale as you want!
        I tease. Since you are happiest in these months and the best version of your self, you will stand out… in a good way! Get out there and shake your tail feathers!!
        Mmm… now I’m craving pumpkin ale! 🙂


      2. I completely agree with your comment on depression during fall/winter. When I lived in Iowa, I was definitely my unhappiest during the bleak winter months- especially February. In the desert, February is one of my favorite months, but the end of June through July, August and early September are the months I feel the extreme heat crushing my soul. Right now I’m waking up from my “winter” slumber.
        If only I could afford to live in Encinitas and have permanently glorious weather, hiking, and surfing right at my fingertips.


  4. Pingback: Caving Into Ardency: Please Advise! | ardent & awkward / in a u s t i n

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