Saturday Night Life

Saturday night.  Home, as usual.  There’s a bag of Barnum’s Animals crackers in front of me.  I have finally convinced my daughter she should go to bed and now I sit, alone, sipping on the remnants of Yellow Tail Cab/Merlot ($5 at Lee’s Liquor), testing the quality of said “crackers”, flipping channels, and wondering why I suddenly find Bradley Cooper highly appealing.  I want to rub my palms against the stubble on his face as I come within a centimeter of grazing his lips with mine.  I want my fingertips to slip across the lines that crinkle from his eyes when he smiles.  I want, I want, I want…  I’m beginning to think my turkey dogs have more than just preservatives shoved into those cylindrical shapes.

I’m also beginning to think that I desperately need to get naked in the presence of a man.  A naked man would be ideal.  Or at least one who would voluntarily become naked after I remove my clothes.  I would truly hate to pull out my shotgun and force the issue.  Again.  Those men never return my calls.

Fuckers.

I check on my girl and discover that she has yet again decided to disrobe and make herself comfortable in my bed.  Fortunately, she’s a heavy sleeper and I have no problems duck-taping her back onto the ceiling where she belongs, after which I decide that the animal crackers would taste much better if dipped in Nutella, and indeed they are.  I only eat a handful because, thanks to my hefty exercise schedule and healthy eating habits, I’ve dropped nearly ten pounds since the beginning of the month.  Without giving up wine, (obviously).  Because if I have to give up everything, then forget it.  I will keep a few extra pounds.  I will learn to be perfectly happy with a bubble ass and I will keep a shotgun hidden near my front door.

This is my Saturday night.

This is my life.

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5 thoughts on “Saturday Night Life

  1. I wouldn’t say no to Bradley Cooper….not even if you have to have him first and he just drops by mine for seconds, I’d do that, but only because he is so hot.

    Like

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