I Am Single As F*ck.

I am single as fuck.  I said that bit to a friend last weekend, and then saw this link on a Facebook post yesterday:


Mindy Kaling completely nails it.

Lately, I’ve noticed that everyone I know seems to be falling in love or already in complete lovey dovey bliss right now.  FB friends are going on about the BIG loves in their lives; bloggers are falling off the grid right and left due to love immersion; and I’m discovering more and more people who, although they nearly cringe as they use the term, confess that they have found their soul mate.  Even my ex is head-over-heels in love, which I will confess was a bitter pill for me to swallow.  I know that after everything that has happened between us, I should have felt indifferent, but I didn’t.  It stung.  Of course, I then had all sorts of thoughts running through my head, like “am I still somehow in love with the man?”, “why didn’t he feel this way about me?”, “would I feel this way if I had my own love?”, and “is that broccoli in my teeth?”  (Followed by “oh Christ, why in the hell didn’t anyone tell me?”)

Here’s the thing: I’ve been out of the scene for far too long now.  I keep talking about “getting back out there” and meeting someone, but I haven’t followed through yet.  In fact, I haven’t even had a night out on the town since…  I don’t know.  The Color Run in February?  Good lord.  No wonder I’m single.  It’s not like my future partner in crime is going to magically knock on my door.  I think that after all this time of being out of the game, I don’t want to dive in and deal with the feelings of rejection yet again.  Getting your heart trampled is painful.  Plus, I have enough stress.  I don’t need to feel pressure in yet another area of my life.  I’ll have to start shaving, fixing my hair, taking a pumice stone to my feet, minimizing facial pores, tweezing nose and ear hairs, investing in lingerie, showering, etc.  It’s a pain in the ass.

However, if I don’t take the risk and don’t put forth some sort of effort, I will forever remain single as fuck.  I will not have the sweet feeling of butterflies in my stomach.  I will not have that moment of anticipation right before a first kiss.  I will not have a goofy grin plastered across my face upon seeing a text from my man.

So,*sigh* I browsed Match profiles for a bit last night to get a feel for who is out there.  I joined Match for a few months about 2 1/2 years ago and it was okay, but I wasn’t truly ready for a relationship and figured that out early.  Let me begin by saying that there are many men in the Vegas area on Match.  Literally two thousand men in my limited age range and with my preferences.  Crazy.

What’s even crazier is that many of these men want someone who is much younger than their own semi-advanced age and sexy.  Even the ones who look like serial killers want sexy.  If I have to go into the sixty year-old range to find someone who wants to date a forty year-old woman, then forget it.  Plus, I am not sexy by any means.  Cute, maybe.  I suppose I could vamp it up and pretend to be sexy, but I don’t want to portray myself as some sex goddess because that’s not me.  I am a nerddess, plain and simple.

My profile pic from 2 1/2 years ago.  Doesn't scream sexy.
My profile pic from 2 1/2 years ago. Doesn’t exactly scream sexy.

I discovered that certain things are an immediate turn-off to me.  Bathroom pictures.  Man duck faces.  Lack of clothing.  One man said one of the last books he read was “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  Um, just no.  I don’t know if that’s me acting like a bitch or me simply setting some sort of standard.  I’m trying to keep in mind that not all of these men are deliberately douchey.  I know that most of these men are just looking to connect with someone and they’re doing the best that they can.  Sometimes they just don’t know better.

Now, a handful of the men whose profiles I viewed (and I didn’t view that many because there are two thousand) were hilarious and charming.  I found myself laughing at a few of the blurbs and wondering what they would be like up close and personal, not tucked away behind their witty prose.  It gave me hope.

It’s time to update my profile, my friends.  The beginning of August is my deadline (paycheck $$ and it gives me time to update pictures, info, so forth).  I want to be as genuine as I possibly can.  I want to be me out there.  Keeping that in mind, oh people of bloggyland, if you’ve done the online dating thing, which site did you use?  If you were successful in discovering LOVE, what drew you to a profile?  What turned you off?  Any useful tips or suggestions for me?  I could use some advice so that I don’t chicken out.


22 thoughts on “I Am Single As F*ck.

  1. I am single as fuck too. I’m in a unique situation because I don’t want kids, and at my age (31) most of the guys out there are looking for someone to settle down and have a family with. Older guys are looking for someone 25, and younger guys look unnervingly like people I used to babysit.

    I think the key piece of advice I’ll give you is just to be yourself. If you play games, you end up on dates with people you wouldn’t even want to share an airplane ride with, let alone your life. From what I’ve seen on your blog, you’re aces.

    I have a friend on Match.com, and he has found some success there. Another friend uses OkCupid, and she said that there isn’t a lot of long-term potential there, but has found some good companions. A friend of mine just got engaged to a guy she met on Eharmony. I actually met my last boyfriend on Craigslist. HA! Anything is possible.


    1. Thanks, Jen. I hadn’t thought of Craigslist. You’re right- anything is possible. Just as long as I’m not spending night after night being tormented by my three year-old.

      The only site I’m completely ruling out is that Christian Mingle advertised on tv all the time. Their jingles make me want to punch the ad execs in their gonads.


  2. If I could give any advice it would be avoid Craigslist. It is where all penis shots are spawned before spreading out to the reaches of the universe. It’s mostly creepy married dudes who are in an open marriage (one that their wives don’t know about, though, so shhhh) or some 20-something looking to feel like a stud. Basically, a free site will attract more weird dudes. If they have to pay, then it weeds out people really quick.

    Good luck, Michelle. You’re a really cool person and someone will meet you and say, “Holy f*ck! Where the hell has this girl been my whole life? I really hit 10 out of 10 this time!”


    1. Haha. I think you might be right on about the CL thing. I clicked on the “men seeking women” link and left the site within fifteen seconds. I think I’ll stick to using CL for used furniture, jobs, and rentals.

      Thank you for the lovely compliment. I’m actually pretty excited about this. Fingers crossed…

      I’m sure I’ll have a few interesting stories to tell.


      1. On his third life now and still chain-smoking. “No matter, pussycat. I am still saucy,” he said.
        How are things in your world? You’ve been missed here, by the way. Welcome back.


      2. Thank you! Things are slowing down now that I finally finished that first book. I’m kind of dreading the sequel, though, so I thought I’d get the old blog out and try to reconnect with some friends. I’m glad to see you’re still here! Any luck with the screenplays?


      3. I finished the second draft on one and started another while the first is resting (it’s nowhere near presentable yet). Congrats on finishing your book. That’s quite an accomplishment. I look forward to reading it!

        Speaking of blogging and reconnecting with friends, have you seen this? http://bloggerinteractive.com/
        Spread the word if you’d like. I think it will be fun to meet bloggy friends in an up close and personal way.


      4. Hmmm… that blogger convention is interesting. I’m actually in Austin, so that’s pretty convenient. On the other hand, it would require me to actually leave my home. Decisions, decisions…


  3. Pingback: Life Isn’t Measured In Square Feet | michelle stodden

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