Life is Not Always Like Moldy Ass

Before you begin reading this, let me warn you that it will likely be an utter waste of your time and brain function.  If you’ve used too many drugs in your past and don’t have the brain cells to spare, save those critters for something truly important, like watching cat videos on youtube or something.  If you don’t care about your brain cells and you’re in the midst of a procrastination marathon (as I frequently am), then please continue.

Here’s how my brain works when I’m sick and mentally exhausted from taking care of a four year-old who is also sick:

I posted this status update on Facebook:  “I have used nearly an entire box of 160 2-ply Kleenex tissues for my snotty nose today.  Imagine moldy ass that has been stuffed into a WalMart bag tainted with old fish juices and then crammed into a garbage bag that rips open once dumped into a mountain of rubbish, which sends the ripe fish-juice mold ass cascading into green toenail clippings, diarrheal baby diapers, purulent bandages, and cockroaches, both live and deceased.  This is how my face feels, and probably looks like, at this moment.  In case any of you are interested.”  (I should note that no one was, in fact, interested.  Although, someone did ask where the “ewwww” button was, to which I replied that it was covered in snot.)

After I posted the moldy ass bit on FB, I slurped down some chicken noodle soup.  Technically, it was the dry packaged chicken broth with skinny mini-noodles– the kind you make on the stove-top with water– and it was expired, but I didn’t give a crap.  I fed Maya real food so I didn’t really care if I became ill from bad soup.  I was already sick.  What else could go wrong with my jacked-up intestinal and respiratory system?  So, I’m sucking down the expired soup that, quite frankly, tasted just fine since I couldn’t taste anything anyway and I started to imagine that I was having a conversation with Mindy Kaling.  Why Mindy?  Because she’s the shit, that’s why.  Sometimes I channel my inner Tina Fey and ask WWBPD? (What would bossypants do?)  Yesterday, Mindy was my inner voice.  In my daydream conversation (which takes place in my head and not aloud, I should add), we were arguing about scene dialogue.  The main character was ill and I wrote for her to say:

  I feel like moldy ass.

Mindy said that I’ve used that line before and there are other adjectives begging to be used and abused so I should at least pretend to be slightly creative, to which I replied that it didn’t matter, that moldy ass was an accurate depiction of how the mc felt and moldy ass never goes out of style.  Things smell like moldy ass, things look like moldy ass, and situations feel like moldy ass.  “Moldy ass” can and always can be an appropriate response to the myriad questions and issues life springs on you.

She crossed her arms and shook her head “no” and then looked at me like I was a complete moron.  (If you’ve ever seen her in a show, you know the look.)

I made obnoxious slurping noises with the copious amounts of msg and nodded.  “Yeah.  It’s moldy ass.”

This went back and forth for a minute or two.

“LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS LIKE MOLDY ASS.”  I sighed.  Was Mindy right?  I looked over at my half of the mini chocolate mousse cake my mom dropped off for us (meaning me and Maya, not me and my inner Mindy).  Maya gobbled her half and then freaked out from a sugar high, while my half posed seductively under saran-wrap.  It was mouth-watering chocolaty goodness, not moldy ass; however, I couldn’t eat it because I couldn’t (and still can’t) taste a thing, which sucked like moldy ass.

And that’s it.  There isn’t a lesson here really, other than “Life is not always like moldy ass.”  Or maybe it’s my inner creative self chastising me for being lazy lately. I think it’s both.

I am curious though: do any of you fellow writers/readers/daydreamers have “conversations” of sorts with your idols?  And not just when you’re ill?  Because there are times when I think twice about doing something, not because it would cause harm to anyone, but because someone might think I’m an odd duck or whatever (like writing about the aforementioned Mindy conversation), and then my inner Mindy gives me the look that says: REALLY.  You think you’ve ever been normal?  Having that inner idol to push me to write is necessary when all I want to do is sit on my butt, eat a bag of Cheetos Cheezy Salsa Mix-ups (aka: crack), and watch Property Brothers reruns.  (Oh, no!  Will they get the shack they want?  Will they ever agree to stick to their budget?  They found knob-and-tube wiring!  Shocker!  Will Jonathan and his crew complete the renovation on time?  It’s a nail-biter folks…)*

Or do I just have an overactive imagination that happens to serve me well when I need a kick in the ass?

*Predictable show, but I still like to see the renovation and design.  Income Property is my favorite, though.  Maya’s, too.

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17 thoughts on “Life is Not Always Like Moldy Ass

  1. Oh gorsh I’ve had the same awful illness/bug/whatever the eff it is. Started in my stomach and has moved its way up. Right as I begin a new job and try to manage the stress that causes and have a visit from a bestie from out of town and what else? I don’t know but I’ve had a lot of conversations in my head with Josh Groban because do you know how amazing he is and how did I not know who he was until December 29, 2013 and mostly the conversation in my head is I love you marry me and then he sings me a song and everything is ok again.

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  2. I like the term moldy ass, and may start to use it. I’ve been known to use the phrase “swamp ass” but that’s only to describe that sweaty feeling in my nether regions when it’s super hot.

    I have dialogues in my head ALL THE TIME. Just the other day I had a full-on fight with someone that I haven’t spoken to in over 5 years. Good news: I won!

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    1. Whew. I’m glad I’m not the only one. All kidding aside, I used to mentally prepare for someone’s response ahead of time, but found that I would start this ridiculous internal argument before the conversation even took place. Now I catch my mind before it starts to wander. (Aside from the daydream conversations with famous people, that is.)

      Btw, swamp ass is a great term, too. It’s like moldy ass with juice.

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  3. My last brain cell has just expired. This comment is being written by a droid that looks a bit like me … I know I’d appreciate this more if I knew who the people you mention actually are; but never mind, it’s pretty good anyway. 😀

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      1. Sometimes, a single vote could be the deciding factor! Likewise…but I’ll tell you one thing, this ‘gravatar’ stuff is doing my head in. Can’t seem to figure it out! All in due time I guess…

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  4. I once produced so much snot during a sinus infection that I began in my dizziness to imagine new ways of recycling it. I covered everything from molding new candles, using it as putty to stop the draught coming through the window, to making a free version of Play-doh for my granddaughter. Thankfully, I saw sense and put it in the bin. After all, it was just snot.

    Great blog post.

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  5. Life is good. Of course there are problems any day. There is still much hate, discrimation and illnes. We must as a human society fix the problems. It will be difficult but every kind of people must do a effort to change the world in to a better place. The change begins by yourself. If you see the world negativ then the outcome will be bad. Start today to search balance in every decision that you do. That wil change your life. I can´t prove if there is a God or Not but wake up in reality and do beautifull things.

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