Tap, tap, tap. Is this thing on? Oh… Ahem. Hello. My name is Michelle and I’m a recovering absentee blogger.
Greetings and salutations, my friends. It’s been over a year since my last entry, but don’t mistake my absence from blogging as a sign that I’ve been hiding from life, as the truth is most opposite…
I’ve traveled around a bit. Built a heavy wood headboard. Visited family I hadn’t seen in many years. Fell in love. Read books. Ran a 10K and a couple of 5K races. Worked my butt off and saved a bunch of money. Rode on a camel. Briefly. Quit my job in Nevada. Sold/donated the majority of my belongings, packed my car with whatever would fit (including Miss Maya), and moved to Portland. CRAZY. Felt ridiculously happy. Found a lovely apartment blanketed with green trees and home to geese, deer, birds, a beaver, opossum, and a perky squirrel I’ve named Skippy. Sampled delicious Oregon brews. Noticed that my chronic neck and back pain vanished. Visited the ocean and dug my toes in the sand again for the first time in almost six years. Had my heart bruised. Settled Maya into a wonderful daycare/kindergarten. Felt a bit gloomy and disheartened. Went to the Tillamook Cheese Factory and stuffed my face with cheese, glorious cheese. Felt better. Meditated. Hiked trail after trail. Planted a vegetable garden. Sent out resumes. Went on an interview. Walked in the rain again and again. Felt happy. Read some more books. Wrote some nonsense. Made some friends. Had a cute guy grimace at my choice of IPA for a brew but then buy it for me as we chatted. Two, actually. Harvested various lettuces from my garden plot. Reconnected with an old blogging friend who makes me smile and laugh. Felt happier yet. Sent out more resumes. Became ill with acute bronchitis. Won the HGTV Smart Home in Austin, TX. (Okay, I haven’t won it… yet.) Still felt happy. Told the Universe to “show me the money.” Promptly received multiple calls and scheduled multiple interviews. (In fact, I received another call and set up another interview as I typed the last sentence. YES!)
Which brings us to today: sitting in a coffee shop on a gloriously rainy, cool day here in Portland. I am in heaven.
So, you might be thinking to yourself, “Michelle, if you had all these freaking cool adventures, why weren’t you blogging about them? You actually took action instead of blabbing incessantly about what you wanted to do! Why the absence?” To be honest, I lost interest. I felt my passion and drive wane early on in 2014. I was stuck, not only with blogging and writing, but with my life in general. I knew it was time for me to take a break- a long break- and basically:
Although I’m still ironing out a few details in my significant, change-of-life move to Oregon, I feel inspired again. I am certainly no longer stuck. I’ll admit that I have days when I feel lonely and I become wistful for my significantly less expensive former digs and “comfortable” routine, but I feel like I’m supposed to be here right now. I’ve had some bumps along the way and unexpected turn-of-events, but there have also been an unusually high number of synchronicities in my life since I moved here. Last October I made a “wish list” of what I wanted when I moved to Oregon. I stuck it in a folder and promptly forgot about it. I found my list a couple of weeks ago, and aside from having my ideal job and waking up with my love spooning against me as the rain falls outside, I have everything I requested. It’s incredible. (I can only assume my other two requests have been slightly delayed but on their way. I did write “my love” and not one name in particular, so there’s still hope…)
I finally let down my guard and opened myself up to real life. No more hiding. No more talk and no action. I’ve taken baby steps throughout the past decade and transformed my inner life slowly (with occasional stumbles), and then this past year I leapt, arms open with an eye-crinkling grin. I fell in love, and even though we found ourselves on different pages and it didn’t work out, it was the loveliest thing that happened to me in a long time. It opened me back up to love.
My “a-ha” moment, the instant I realized that all of my deep work on my inner world and my own well-being was real and actually paying off, was when I was able to sincerely wish him love and happiness as we parted ways. I truly wanted him to be happy, even if that meant I wasn’t the right fit for him and he needed to be free to find someone who would be closer to his ideal. Letting go isn’t typically easy by any means, and while I had a couple of “grrr” moments and a crying spell or two, I realized that I was going to be okay because I was happy before he came into my life; I was never dependent upon him for my happiness.
I am happy. I’m centered, calm, and resilient. I’m excited about my future, writing projects, and the possibility of big love being out there for me. I believe it is. I’m proud of myself for taking huge risks in my life this past year. I kicked down the wall I built around myself and I’m thrilled to discover I have no desire to hole myself up again. I’m free.
Hello again, world.
Some completely random pictures from this past year: