I Was Once a Beautiful Badass

Once upon a time, I was a badass. A beautiful badass, although I didn’t think so at the time.

I read a bunch of old blog posts and journal entries the other day, and I realized that I used to be the determined and strong woman I want to be right now. I used to wake up before 5 am to get my workout in. I would participate in fun runs, color runs, intense mud runs, and a Tough Mudder. I wrote almost every single day. I used to actively and consistently work toward my goals. I wouldn’t always crush them, but I would get closer to achieving what I wanted then than I do now. And this was after Miss Maya came into my life, when my pre and post work hours overflowed with the nonstop activity of chasing a toddler around. I was a badass and then I slowly sunk back into mediocrity.

So, what happened?

Many people, when they look back to try to figure out how they got so off course, look for a specific event or a series of events that “caused” them to wander. Something external must be the root of the problem. Or, if they can’t find an incident, they’ll look at another person to place the blame. It’s someone else’s fault. And if they can’t pinpoint a person or a specific event, they’ll shake their heads and simply say, “Life happens.”

We hear it all the time. Life happens.

Here’s the rub: they’re not entirely wrong. Life does happen, and the reasons we give to explain why we gave up on our dreams or woke up light years from where we imagined we would be in life might even be valid to a degree. Work stress, check. See, blame can go elsewhere. Financial issues, check. I could easily blame that one on someone else, and it would be a true and valid reason. Health problems likely due to stress. Age. I don’t drop the weight like I did when I was younger. Completely valid. I could go on, but you get my point.

But here’s the final truth: The excuses are bullshit.

Yes, you might have reasons and I might have reasons, but at the end of the day, for most of us, it’s all bullshit. We’re lazy and we don’t want to put in the work necessary to surpass our goals and create extraordinary results in our lives.

So, what happened?

I became lazy. Plain and simple. I stopped doing the work. I gave up and sat the fuck down on my sofa and watched Netflix instead of writing my book. I slept in instead of getting up early and exercising. I ate and drank stuff on a regular basis that wasn’t the best for my body.

I became too comfortable living in my excuses instead of pushing beyond them.

Since the beginning of last year, I’ve been reading book after book, searching for bits of wisdom to help pull me out of this rut. I’ve watched hundreds of motivational videos and listened to podcasts on a regular basis. While I’ve gleaned a significant amount of information on how to create better habits to help transform your life, I realized the other day that what I really need to do is search within. I keep looking outside myself for inspiration, but everything I need is right here. I wrote it all down, for Pete’s sake. It’s in front of me in black and white. Everything I need is already flowing through my veins. I’ve had moments of badassery creep back into my life during the past couple of years and I’ve broken through some self-imposed barriers and pushed through fears. But I must do more. Daily.

Last night I dreamt I was in a prison of sorts, trapped at the top of a tower, the perimeter surrounded by guards. I kept trying to figure a way down the steep, stone wall, but escape seemed impossible. I remember my friend Desiree standing at the bottom and telling me that if I could make it off the tower, I would make my way past the guards. I then realized there was a curtain of sorts off to the side. I grabbed it and glided down to the bottom of the tower. I gently landed and said, “Well, that was easy.” I put on a guise of working there and walked right out the front gates to freedom.

We all have our prisons and our towers and the guards in our minds who tell us we can’t do it. It’s all a lie, and we need to stop listening to the guards and we need to start listening to the rebel voice inside that yells at us to rise and fight. I believe we all have everything we need inside of us to break free and create the lives of our dreams. We just forget we have the strength to do it.

I still am a beautiful badass. I simply must stop being lazy and believe in my own power once again.