I awoke with this song in my head:
I haven’t a clue as to the why, but it’s possible that my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Take a midnight train? Head east? Listen to more Harry Connick, Jr.? Sounds like a plan since I do love me some Harry. When I was nineteen and working as a nanny in Connecticut, my employer gifted Harry’s album 20 to me. It wasn’t instant love, but I was curious enough to pick up Blue Light, Red Light, which was an excellent album. However, it was his introduction of funk in She and Star Turtle that made me fall head over feet and the sound solidified his spot in my eternal music rotation. Apparently, not everyone loved his newer sound because I don’t think he’s returned to it, which is a shame because he quite simply kicks ass. See?
In other news, after many moons, my creative dry spell is officially over. As of late, I have been a brainstorming, creating, writing freak of nature. My desire to create has returned with a vengeance, namely after setting some things straight in my life, for all eternity. I haven’t felt this good in seven years. For real seven years, not an exaggeration. Physically, I’ve felt and looked a bit better than I do at the moment as I’m currently a solid five (seven?) pounds heavier, I need an updated hair style, and I just had my wisdom teeth removed, but I haven’t been this happy- this mentally and emotionally free and light and clear- since the time frame between my break-up with K and meeting my ex.
I’ve had fleeting moments when I felt pretty good and thought that maybe I was on my way to returning to my old self, but there was always a maybe lurking under my skin. It was never over and done for good. Maybe it will work out. Maybe things will change. Maybe. Let me tell you, maybe can drive you insane and keep your mental and emotional well-being swirling in the toilet for years. I’m proof. I discussed this with a friend who said she felt the same about her ex, and, as in my situation, one day it just hit her: she was done and that was it. After that moment of clarity, she felt as light and free as I do now.
Seven years ago, when I felt this fantastic and open to whatever/whomever the universe would deliver unto me, I was dinking around in Las Vegas
with the aforementioned friend and met one of the best men I’ve ever met in my life. Gorgeous, charming, sweet as pie, intelligent, funny, and man could that Canadian deliver a kiss. Zowwwie. So I’m thinking, if I finally feel now as vibrant and alive as I did then, I should be able to attract someone like him again, right? (Yes, Michelle! Of course you can! is the correct response, by the way.)
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t need all that jazz in my life to feel good. I feel ridiculously crack-happy right now, hanging out with my friends, playing with my kid, and once again delving into the world of writing. In fact, Alison Sudol’s face in this video- especially at 2:18-2:20- demonstrates how I feel.
The thing is, I’ve been without all that jazz for so, so long now (you honestly have no idea) that I want it. Oh man, if I described the thoughts that are taking over my brain, I would need to block this entry from the innocent eyes of children and upstanding Christian readers. There’s a difference, though, between thinking you need something in your life and wanting something but knowing you’ll be happy without it. That being said, I would rather be alone and this content for the rest of my life than to end up in another relationship like the one I last exited.
So, my focus is on my family, my physical/emotional/mental health, and completing and revising some creative writing projects, but my heart is wide open to love.
Truly open once again.