Tuesday Tidbits

Until two hours ago, I thought today was Wednesday.  Balls.

Yesterday was International Silly Walk Day.  As one who adores Monty Python, how did I not know this?

Every time I say “spontaneous bacterial pneumonitis” aloud, I do so in the voice of Sean Connery.  I can’t help myself.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since the beginning of October.  I have gained a significant amount of weight.  I am 5’2″.  Five extra pounds is a bitch on my ass.  Double that and add two.  Yes, I injured my knee and was unable to work out for a while.  And yes, I was basically sick and without willpower for the entire month of December.  Effing DECEMBER with all the chocolates and drinks and ridiculous goodies around every corner.  Still inexcusable.  However, I started back into my normal routine two weeks ago and I’ve been tracking my food and beverage intake.  Yikes.  But yay.  My clothes are looser.  I have more energy.  I feel great.  I guess that’s all that should really matter.  Should, but doesn’t.  I am nearing forty and I want to look hot.  Vain?  Petty?  Perhaps.  Maybe it’s because I’m actually looking– as in really looking— at the opposite sex again.  I am ready for more, therefore I have to be ready for more.  You know exactly what I’m saying.

Speaking of which, I wore a snazzy, flouncy skirt with black hose and high heels today.  I hate hose.  My legs love them.  Even my stubs looked longer and leaner.  I dare say that I even received compliments and *gasp* the ol’ glance-over-the-shoulder-as-you-walk-away from a trio of lovely administrators from out of town.  Hello, darlings. Ego boost.

I’m rescuing a bird this weekend.  A cockatiel name Luna.  She was headed for birdie heaven at a mere 3 years of age.  I couldn’t see that happen, especially since there’s nothing wrong with her.  I had a cockatiel when I was in high school.  I taught it to whistle and dance and say his name over and over and over.  He kissed his mirror all the time, the narcissistic creature.  We’ll see how Luna takes to Maya.  The real trick is… where to put a bird in my minuscule apartment.

Another “speaking of which,” plans are in motion for me to move April 1st.  I would then have plenty of room for Luna.  Fingers crossed.

Unless I win the HGTV Dream Home.  Then I’m moving to South Carolina.

Maya has chewed up the armrests on my glider and jacked up the footstool.  It’s not fancy-schmancy, but it’s a nice leather-like set and super comfy.  I don’t know if I can fix them.  She is worse than a puppy.  And yes- she has peed and pooped on the carpet.  Lucky me.

My eyes are burning.

I started revising a script tonight.  It felt good.  Really good.  It’s starting to feel solid.  Something I can be proud of.

I believe things are falling into place.


An English Composition Soap Opera

Coming soon to E!*

“F@&* It!  Tales of Life and Love Gone Awry in the Land of Grammar, Punctuation, and the Alphabet”

The searing ancestral accounts of a bygone era, including these unforgettable tales:

  • The “Lilliputian Letter Movement”- the lowercase letters’ attempt to extract themselves from under the totalitarian thumb of the UPPERCASE class- which escalated into the UPPERCASE/lowercase Conflict until the enactment of the Capitalization Resolution
  • The bitter feud between the consonants and vowels, fueled by the careless whispers of the (supposedly) silent “K” and resolved only after “Y” reconciled his innate consonant self with the deep desire to be a vowel and became a transletter
  • The collage of torrid love affairs and marriages: the clandestine affair between ( ) and [ ], resulting in baby {}; the near-pornographic adventures of the trickster triplets there, their, and they’re; and the quarrels between sisters “I” and “E” over the cocksure “C”, followed by the desperate, rebound marriage of “I” with “S” from which sprang forth future world dictator $

 (All taking place prior to the Strunk & White evolution and, therefore, before the Declaration of the Constitution of English Composition, of course.)

*Even though it sounds plausible, I made that up.