Week 1: Fail. Kind of.

First week of the year down. Let’s see how I’m doing on my goals because there’s nothing like sharing your failures with the world to hold yourself accountable.

1) Writing: I didn’t write as much as I planned, *however* I am writing every day. Still plotting a bit as well. Something is better than nothing. Or so I’ve heard. I started to revise “Deacon” and stopped because I couldn’t see the pages through my tears. It’s pretty bad.

Just kidding. It’s horrendous.

2) Health: I’ve been adjusting my eating habits over the past few weeks, so this past week was cake. And by cake, I mean easy. I didn’t eat cake. I did eat some chocolate. But that shit’s good for you, right? My workouts weren’t spot on, but I did walk 4x (plus being on my feet constantly at work) and nailed 1 strength session. Baby steps, because baby steps still burn calories. Meditation: good.

3) I don’t really have a third right now, aside from don’t lose my marbles at my new job. And I didn’t, so I suppose I succeeded there. Yay, me!

I did realize that I might have set my expectations for myself too high this past week. This is going to be an adjustment and I need to cut myself a wee bit of slack for another week or two until my mind/body is used to this sort of nonstop clinic action again. I altered my goals for the next two weeks, which doesn’t mess up my quarterly or yearly goals, so I’m good.

It’s all good, people.

Except Henry died yesterday.


Peace out, our happy, friendly, weird little fish. We’ll miss you.

Did you already fail at some of your goals/resolutions for the New Year as well? (Please say yes so I don’t feel alone. So, so alone…)



Tuesday Tidbits

Until two hours ago, I thought today was Wednesday.  Balls.

Yesterday was International Silly Walk Day.  As one who adores Monty Python, how did I not know this?

Every time I say “spontaneous bacterial pneumonitis” aloud, I do so in the voice of Sean Connery.  I can’t help myself.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since the beginning of October.  I have gained a significant amount of weight.  I am 5’2″.  Five extra pounds is a bitch on my ass.  Double that and add two.  Yes, I injured my knee and was unable to work out for a while.  And yes, I was basically sick and without willpower for the entire month of December.  Effing DECEMBER with all the chocolates and drinks and ridiculous goodies around every corner.  Still inexcusable.  However, I started back into my normal routine two weeks ago and I’ve been tracking my food and beverage intake.  Yikes.  But yay.  My clothes are looser.  I have more energy.  I feel great.  I guess that’s all that should really matter.  Should, but doesn’t.  I am nearing forty and I want to look hot.  Vain?  Petty?  Perhaps.  Maybe it’s because I’m actually looking– as in really looking— at the opposite sex again.  I am ready for more, therefore I have to be ready for more.  You know exactly what I’m saying.

Speaking of which, I wore a snazzy, flouncy skirt with black hose and high heels today.  I hate hose.  My legs love them.  Even my stubs looked longer and leaner.  I dare say that I even received compliments and *gasp* the ol’ glance-over-the-shoulder-as-you-walk-away from a trio of lovely administrators from out of town.  Hello, darlings. Ego boost.

I’m rescuing a bird this weekend.  A cockatiel name Luna.  She was headed for birdie heaven at a mere 3 years of age.  I couldn’t see that happen, especially since there’s nothing wrong with her.  I had a cockatiel when I was in high school.  I taught it to whistle and dance and say his name over and over and over.  He kissed his mirror all the time, the narcissistic creature.  We’ll see how Luna takes to Maya.  The real trick is… where to put a bird in my minuscule apartment.

Another “speaking of which,” plans are in motion for me to move April 1st.  I would then have plenty of room for Luna.  Fingers crossed.

Unless I win the HGTV Dream Home.  Then I’m moving to South Carolina.

Maya has chewed up the armrests on my glider and jacked up the footstool.  It’s not fancy-schmancy, but it’s a nice leather-like set and super comfy.  I don’t know if I can fix them.  She is worse than a puppy.  And yes- she has peed and pooped on the carpet.  Lucky me.

My eyes are burning.

I started revising a script tonight.  It felt good.  Really good.  It’s starting to feel solid.  Something I can be proud of.

I believe things are falling into place.

Drop Weight on the Maya Plan!

Looking for a quick way to shed excess weight?  Well, look no further!  I have the ultimate solution for you:  The Maya Plan.  That’s right, folks.  All you have to do is take my toddler camping for a few days and VOILA!  Fat cells scamper from your hips and thighs.  Jiggly arms firm up overnight.  Your abdomen collapses in on itself, leaving you with a taut and shapely belly.

No way!  How is this possible, you ask? 

Weeheheeeelll, all you have to do is venture into the great outdoors with my girl, who happens to be built like a brick shithouse and is freakishly speedy for being only 3 ft tall, and plant her feet on any surface.  She will take it from there.  Talk about getting in a cardio sprint workout.  Her powerful, muscular thighs launch her little body across the campsite, past the car and into the great yonder at neckbreaking speeds- and you have to catch her.  Multitudinous sculpting sessions are yours for free, too, because you will have to pick up the 32lb stinker and haul her flailing, laughing body back to camp.  Biceps, triceps, shoulders, abs, back- it’s a total-body workout. 

I know, I know.  You’re thinking, Well, I’d just toss her into the pack-n-play and that would contain her.  Sure, for about 8 seconds until she springs her happy butt right over the side and takes off sprinting down the path, fellow campers chasing after her, too, in an effort to give mommy’s weary soul a break.  If I would have had a kid leash, I would have strapped her in, staked it into the ground and let her roam in 12 ft circles like a puppy.  She would have been happy enough with some snacks and her milk and rocks and dirt to play with.

Here’s the bonus when you try the Maya Plan:  every time a morsel of food tickles your lips, an alarm goes off in her head that makes her freak out.  It’s awesome.  Don’t ask why it happens on vacation yet not at home because I haven’t a clue.  It works best when you’re sitting down to eat at your favorite Thai restaurant.  The moment you try to peek at the menu, BEEP!  BEEP!  BEEP!  Her alarm goes off and you have no choice but to leave the premises or make all other diners miserable.  It’s lovely!  You get to leave, spicy coconut curry so close to kissing your mouth, and save on calories and money!  It’s a win/win situation.  Or something.

My advice to anyone planning on camping with a toddler like mine:  buy a kid leash that has a lot of give.  Use it.  Find the “off” switch for her internal mommy-wants-to-eat alarm and shut it down.  And remember that the “vacation” does end and you’ll be so happy to return to the dull grind of work at the office.